Monday, May 11, 2009

I am the most I've ever been as myself.
I'm expecting obtainable things finally.
I thank no one in particular for getting me here.
I thank the crowds, and the audience.
The ones that watched all the falls , and climbing back up(z).

"What grace has given me, let it be enough."

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The unsinkable, unthinable.

We are all so primal, we can't decide what to be.
We are all so inferior, we can't decide who to be.
We are all so intrusive, we can't decide how to be.
We are all so wandering, we can't decide when to be.
We are all so delusional, we can't decide where to be.
We are all so lost, we can't decide why to be.

Monday, May 4, 2009

"This is where I'm meant to be, please don't leave me."

My first year of school is almost over, it's tragic how I feel the need to write a blog about it but however sanctimonious the tragedy is, it needs to be discussed. Attending an art school has been a very interesting experience, creating ultra unique sets of ups and downs for me. I'm fond of all the new friends I've made and I'm grateful for all the knowledge I've gained in perspective to my own work as a photographer, but I'm definitely seeking a return to normalcy for this summer. I need to return to place I came from and in retrospect, find out more about myself as a person.

I'm hoping to create a photographic series of the area I grew up in, partially inspired by my own insatiable appetite for self-reflection, and also by a conversation I had with a fellow student. I feel like I could learn alot about myself by making art based upon my memories now that I've had more than enough time away from the foundations of the person I have become.

I hope to re-define my relationships with others and in some circumstances either revive or put to rest said relationships. This will be an extension of my self-reflection, and will give me a peace of mind for when I return to school in the fall.

I have thought alot about the person I want to be this past year, and while this image is still a work in progress, and will continue to be under construction for a length, I feel that maybe I have hammered out a few important issues. I no longer see myself as an inspired person, in the sense that though I find inspiration throughout my life, I don't attach to one thing as a piece or individual to aid me in daily routines. I want to be a free spirit for sake of art, and mind alike. I no longer see myself in this city, with the glamazons and hipsters and nouveau riche and impoverished and star-struck and scholars and artists and diversified groups that really aren't diversified at all. I feel like I have no place yet. A nomad not yet left on a mission to find a place I can actually call home.

I want to become much more than who I am, but at the same time I'm learning to love the pieces of my puzzle. Living not IN the now, but FOR the now. Every moment is not spent trying to move on the one ahead of it in time, but to hold on to the things that brought me here and how to fully understand my choices and mind set. Not leaving room for interpretation because no one can interpret the maze like the maker.

If life were a motion, I would want mine to be slow and careful, like a bird gliding after a long journey, rather than a gust that can blow away in a heartbeat.


People are a plague; I am a part of that. No matter how much I try and fight my own nature to use and forget to replenish, or feel more than I should because I've been taught my emotions can open me when truly seeing my emotions sometimes only scares me deeper into my own personalized cave of intense denial of everything around me, fighting at the end of the day is tiring. Giving in and accepting what society imposes upon me or anyone around me is something I'm trying to bend, not break.

In the beginning, we weren't here, and in the end we won't be here either.
To deny ourselves of who we really are is to deny the actual goals of life.